A Few Hours Alone

The other day I was given the opportunity to do something I have not done in years. The boys went to my mom's and Luke had to work. I had the house all to myself-what to do? (I have to admit I was sad as they were pulling out of the driveway-I missed them already) The thought of doing nothing seemed very enjoyable and relaxing, but instead I decided to listen to some music and finish painting our entryway (fun right :). I heard a new song that had come out that described how life has been here in the past year or so. The song is Blessings - Laura Story. I won't write out all of it but here is most of it:

'We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, you hear each spoken need

Yet love is way to much to give us lesser things

cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

what if your healing comes through tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

your voice to hear

we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near

we doubt your goodness

we doubt your love

as if every promise from your word is not enough

all the while you hear each desperate plea

as long as we have faith to believe

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

that this is not our home

What if the greatest dissapointments

or the aching of this life

is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

what if trials of this life

the rain, the storms, the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise'

(ok so maybe I wrote the whole song)

So I did something I have yet had the chance to do alone-I grieved the loss of my dad. I realized for the first time that I need to do that, I need to have more time to myself to just be able to process. After Dad passed for the sake of the boys and ourselves we pressed on. With a constant ache in our hearts we kept living and while I know we needed to do that and we still do, we need time to grieve. What that is supposed to look like I am not sure but I think I have started to find out. I painted those walls with tears streaming down my face. Getting our house finished would seem like something to be very excited for and we are but it is one major thing that Dad would have loved to see. So while I can't wait for it to be done, sometimes I would like to shut the door and never look down there-pretending that it was the same as it was last year at this time. Everyone else's life goes back to normal it seems like, which needs to happen, but for us every new thing whether good or bad is a new thing that we are not experiencing with him by our side. Not only the new things but also the things that we have always done-he is not there doing them with us anymore.

There have been times where I have been angry with God, heartbroken, and hurt...everything this song states but the reality is His love is enough to take our anger and our hurt and to hold us through it, to lift us up even when we don't understand.

After that song came on, another one followed that hit home...Come to Jesus by Point of Grace, and so the tears continued... There comes a point for all of us where we can't do it on our own anymore and we need to be reminded of that everyonce in awhile. We all get tired and weak whether it be from some major life changing event or just from daily living. I think we have all questioned God at one time or another. I can honestly say that I definitely have at times questioned him.. As the song says "we all lose faith and lean on mercy"-there is no place I would rather be leaning during that time than on God's mercy.

"We all fall down, we all need saving.

Once in awhile you are not alone

we all lose faith and lean on mercy

through our darkest night

He said he'd wait for us

Just come to Jesus"

It might seem odd that I am writing about all of this but these are lessons and memories that I don't want to forget. I don't ever want to forget the emotions of how important my Dad was to me/or any of us. I hate to see my boys, especially Cody who really just doesn't understand, hurting or crying because Grandpa/Papa isn't here and because they miss him. To hear Cody saying "Papa...die...sad": and then cry is awful-but his papa meant something to him and we want him to always remember that. I don't ever want them to forget what he meant to them. I don't say that meaning I want them crying and aching over missing him-while we will always miss Dad, in time we will have the memories without so much of the pain. The boys both know that He is in Heaven and will tell people that, someday the significance of that will mean something to them!! Dad's healing came through our tears, but he is healed and is no longer in pain and for that we are blessed!!!

On a lighter note :) - here are some pics of the munchkins. I am very biased but they are so stinking cute!!!!

This is their new kitty, Mouse.

If only they were that nice to eachother all the time :), we'll just pretend!

ADOPTION NEWS:

Ok While that title made it look exciting we are still just waiting and praying. We talked to our agency the other day and increased our age from birth to 14 months (it was 12 months). We did this because we aren't set on adopting a small infant, but she has to be at least a year younger than Cody. Right now there is a shortage of HIV Tests in Ethiopia so they aren't giving out many if any referrals for babies under 18 months. In His timing!! (easier said than felt I have to admit).