A Few Hours Alone

The other day I was given the opportunity to do something I have not done in years. The boys went to my mom's and Luke had to work. I had the house all to myself-what to do? (I have to admit I was sad as they were pulling out of the driveway-I missed them already) The thought of doing nothing seemed very enjoyable and relaxing, but instead I decided to listen to some music and finish painting our entryway (fun right :). I heard a new song that had come out that described how life has been here in the past year or so. The song is Blessings - Laura Story. I won't write out all of it but here is most of it:

'We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, you hear each spoken need

Yet love is way to much to give us lesser things

cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

what if your healing comes through tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

your voice to hear

we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near

we doubt your goodness

we doubt your love

as if every promise from your word is not enough

all the while you hear each desperate plea

as long as we have faith to believe

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

that this is not our home

What if the greatest dissapointments

or the aching of this life

is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

what if trials of this life

the rain, the storms, the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise'

(ok so maybe I wrote the whole song)

So I did something I have yet had the chance to do alone-I grieved the loss of my dad. I realized for the first time that I need to do that, I need to have more time to myself to just be able to process. After Dad passed for the sake of the boys and ourselves we pressed on. With a constant ache in our hearts we kept living and while I know we needed to do that and we still do, we need time to grieve. What that is supposed to look like I am not sure but I think I have started to find out. I painted those walls with tears streaming down my face. Getting our house finished would seem like something to be very excited for and we are but it is one major thing that Dad would have loved to see. So while I can't wait for it to be done, sometimes I would like to shut the door and never look down there-pretending that it was the same as it was last year at this time. Everyone else's life goes back to normal it seems like, which needs to happen, but for us every new thing whether good or bad is a new thing that we are not experiencing with him by our side. Not only the new things but also the things that we have always done-he is not there doing them with us anymore.

There have been times where I have been angry with God, heartbroken, and hurt...everything this song states but the reality is His love is enough to take our anger and our hurt and to hold us through it, to lift us up even when we don't understand.

After that song came on, another one followed that hit home...Come to Jesus by Point of Grace, and so the tears continued... There comes a point for all of us where we can't do it on our own anymore and we need to be reminded of that everyonce in awhile. We all get tired and weak whether it be from some major life changing event or just from daily living. I think we have all questioned God at one time or another. I can honestly say that I definitely have at times questioned him.. As the song says "we all lose faith and lean on mercy"-there is no place I would rather be leaning during that time than on God's mercy.

"We all fall down, we all need saving.

Once in awhile you are not alone

we all lose faith and lean on mercy

through our darkest night

He said he'd wait for us

Just come to Jesus"

It might seem odd that I am writing about all of this but these are lessons and memories that I don't want to forget. I don't ever want to forget the emotions of how important my Dad was to me/or any of us. I hate to see my boys, especially Cody who really just doesn't understand, hurting or crying because Grandpa/Papa isn't here and because they miss him. To hear Cody saying "Papa...die...sad": and then cry is awful-but his papa meant something to him and we want him to always remember that. I don't ever want them to forget what he meant to them. I don't say that meaning I want them crying and aching over missing him-while we will always miss Dad, in time we will have the memories without so much of the pain. The boys both know that He is in Heaven and will tell people that, someday the significance of that will mean something to them!! Dad's healing came through our tears, but he is healed and is no longer in pain and for that we are blessed!!!

On a lighter note :) - here are some pics of the munchkins. I am very biased but they are so stinking cute!!!!

This is their new kitty, Mouse.

If only they were that nice to eachother all the time :), we'll just pretend!

ADOPTION NEWS:

Ok While that title made it look exciting we are still just waiting and praying. We talked to our agency the other day and increased our age from birth to 14 months (it was 12 months). We did this because we aren't set on adopting a small infant, but she has to be at least a year younger than Cody. Right now there is a shortage of HIV Tests in Ethiopia so they aren't giving out many if any referrals for babies under 18 months. In His timing!! (easier said than felt I have to admit).

Birthday Wishes and Valentines Kisses

The middle of February is a busy time in our home, we have Chase's Birthday on February 12, mine on the 13th and then Valentine's day on the 14th. Most of our attention goes towards Chase's birthday. I have looked at him lately and can not believe what a young man he is becoming. He is no longer my little baby and hasn't been for some time but he will always be our very special first born. I was recently thinking back to the day he was born-backing up a little- The week before we had gone to the doctor's and she had set up and induction date. She had explained that because of his size she didn't want to wait much longer. We arrived at the hospital early that morning not certain of what to expect. We decided we (and by this we at this point I mean me) would try to go as long as we could without an epidural. I spent the day walking the halls with Luke and laying in bed on the monitors. It was a great day with just the 2 of us. The last few hours as a family of 2 was spent with great anticipation for the arrival of our baby. I was not in any real pain so things were quite relaxed.........until she broke my water, that all ended and I wanted an epidural NOW!! I don't really understand why these anesthesiologists can't be ready to just give out the drugs immediately, but instead he had to read my chart (which you would have thought was hundreds of pages long) and then talk to me a little. At that point I wasn't to concerned about the side effects or possibilities-the only possibility that I put much thought into was to the fact that some of my pain could possibly be gone if he would just inject me! He really was great at what he did which I was so thankful for. Once I had the epidural I felt so much better until our little Chase decided to fracture or chip (we're not sure which) my tailbone. Just in case you didn't know, epidurals don't work for that part of your body!! It was approaching 11:30 pm and my doctor began discussing the possibility of a C-section, Chase had been stuck and wasn't moving much-I had been in hard labor-pushing, etc for at least 2 hours and was in a great deal of pain with my tailbone. Thankfully though at 11:58pm he was born. 2 Minutes before my birthday-what a great early bday present. The nurse immediately took him and all I could remember hearing was her saying "just breathe little man, just breathe". My heart was racing wondering what was happening, the nurse looked at me and said "he'll be ok" and then turned back to him and kept telling him to breathe. Luke said he has never seen anyone so blue....Chase did start breathing soon after that on his own and so did Luke and I. It was an amazing feeling watching Luke stand over his little boy just looking at him, touching his hand. That image will forever be near to my heart. they then brought him over to me and I will never forget what I said. He had a little cap on and I looked at him as I was taking him and asked the nurse "is that whole thing his head" -sorry buddy! He had a cone head and within a week lost almost an inch of his height. He was still so perfect! Later that night (around 1:30a.m.) my parents arrived and we handed Chase to them and when my Dad took him and was looking at him we told them his whole name- "Chase Jeffrey Reinbold" my Dad looked like he was going to tear up a little. This little bundle was named after him and it was one of the greatest surprises we have ever shared with my parents. His name holds a legacy within it! The next day we had a number of Luke's family visit, more of mine, and some friends. We loved introducing Chase to everyone! We love him more than we ever knew we could love and have been so blessed as we watch him grow up. He is an amazing son and a great big brother. Again we are so blessed to have 2 of the most precious children!!

He is just growing so quickly!!

Onto Valentine's Day!

We started the week off by sending out home-made Valentine's to some of our family. The boys had a good time making them and I love to watch them and listen to them when they are busy working. This Valentine's Day itself was kind of a blur, I had to run to Rochester and Luke worked until 11pm.

I gave my Mom pink roses, I admire her so much for the amazing Godly woman that she is! Her and Dad seemed like they celebrated Valentine's Day every day of the year. I loved watching how they were truly madly in love with eachother and best friends! Mom spent the evening with us which was great.

Once the kids were in bed I started working on my plan to spoil Luke for the night, I have to admit that as a wife I am extremely spoiled. I don't necessarily mean with monetary things but spoiled none the less. I rarely ever have to go get into a cold car if Luke is home, he loves and adores me and our kids! I can not think of a single time he has ever told me no when I wanted something. I could go on for hours about how amazing he is!!

I had recently found out that his favorite pie was Pecan Pie. Yes we have been married this long and I always thought it was apple!! I made it that morning and hid it (well I thought I hid it but of course he found it which I found out later). I have so much fun baking and trying to be creative-trying is the key word there. I had it all planned for when he got home- I had a nice warm bath ready for him with some yummy snacks, including my favorite beverage- Concord grape sparkling juice. I know I'm odd but I love that stuff!! I took some of the best advice I was ever given from my Dad...I married my best friend! I love going through everyday with him-the bad and the good!!

Life is a picture-paint it well........

For whatever reason while I was lying in bed snuggling Cody, I was thinking about my Dad. Not an uncommon topic of thought by any means, but this thought stream just hit me and made me think of how this statement applied to his life....
Life is a picture, paint it well..... He didn't paint a picture though, he was involved in a masterpiece. He did something so few of us do. He allowed God to sketch it and then he pursued painting it. When God created this sketch He did not reveal it all at once, Dad had to rely on His guidance to perfect this masterpiece that we all know as his life. It wasn't created with perfect lines or in bland color. God made it unique and colorful, through all of the blessings received and challenges overcome-turning every action/stroke into a meaningful attribute of the overall masterpiece.
The thing about masterpieces is that they gain worth over time. To us his masterpiece is priceless but will only remain that way if we pursue looking at it and remembering it, sharing it. The Legacy of his life is the masterpiece that he left behind, in all of the lessons taught, memories made, tears, and the laughter.
Another unique thing about masterpieces is that every artist has similarities and uniquenesses that signify their work. God is the same- we need to allow God to add or lives as masterpieces to His collection.

How much more meaningful would our lives be if we truly allowed Him to guide our every step!

The beginning....

This is not actually the beginning of things with our family but this is where this new chapter of our lives begins. This post is going to be catch-up and then I am going to use this blog to document our adventures, trials, challenges. I don't want to forget a second of my beautiful families life!!
This part of our journey begins in October/November 2009. We felt God pulling on our hearts and had to make a decision, to follow His calling and trust in Him or to be like Jonah and try to slip away from it hoping that God did not pursue the matter. We chose to trust and obey. God had called us to expand our family through adoption. We knew he was calling us to Ethiopia and while we were excited we had our hesitations. Not because of our beautiful little girl-we could not wait to meet her, but because of all the legal and financial logistics. We decided and applied to an agency and God closed that door-thankfully. We then went to Children's Hope International and have been so blessed by this journey with them. This was not the end of the challenges. In December my Dad, Grandpa/Papa Haenisch was not feeling well. On December 24, 2009 he was diagnosed with stage IV Pancreatic cancer. He made the decision to fight it and we had one of the best years ever. He was so excited about our baby girl and how God was working in our lives. He was our number one supporter and fan/ him and mom. He committed his life to Christ a long time ago and lived his final months in a way that would continue to glorify God! He was one of those men that didn't just live life to live it, he lived life and when he went home to the Lord he left a legacy behind him! A legacy that we will continually share with our children. The have so many great memories with him and so many pictures of all the things he did with them-thankfully. He always had time for them and made away to include them in whatever he was doing, willingly teaching them lessons as they worked and played. He longed to meet our baby girl and I know he shed tears over not getting the chance. That is where the title of this blog came from-from him. When we knew he was getting worse I asked for something that I could keep with me all the time. He picked out a ring for Mom, Jaime, Grandma, and myself. He then chose what words he wanted on them. My ring has our names and mine says TIFFANY & DAD, ONE IN HEART. With 2 interlocking hearts with his birthstone in one and mine in the other. This thought has helped get me through so many different times since we lost him on September 28, 2010. This was the worst day of my life to this point and yet this amazing man really isn't fully gone because of the way he allowed God to use him to touch so many-because of the Legacy that he left. When I have regrets or struggles where Dady is concerned I can look back knowing that I knew him well enough to know exactly what he would have said or done. I am so blessed that he had such an amazing and close relationship with the boys and pray that God blesses them with vivid memories of him. Chase took it very hard immediately. He knew grandpa was sick and when we tried to talk about it with him he would totally avoid the subject and then make little comments like "some kids don't like it when their grandpa's are hurting" and then he would move on to something else. The look of hurt and pain in his eyes when we told him is something I will never forget. He immediately started sobbing and continued for quite sometime-he was 3 and we were not prepared for this. We were almost prepared for anything but this actually, Grandpa really was his best friend. Cody did not really respond immediately, after all he wasn't even 2 yet. We have since learned that even though he was so little his Papa was his world. He used to sit at the window when he would see him outside and cry until Papa came into see him! He has since surprised us saying such things as "Papa Out"- referring to wanting Papa to come out of the CD player when they are listening to his recorded stories. "Papa Hold me", "Papa...How....Die", We have since been challenged with reminding both boys that their Grandpa/Papa did not choose to leave them, which I think they know but will really understand someday. They do know he loved them and we will always remind them of that and I can not wait to tell our beautiful little girl all about her Papa and how much he loved her! Most likely it does not work this way but I am OK with thinking in my heart that he will get to see her from Heaven before we ever meet her, maybe even help choose her for us. Ok like I said, I know it probably doesn't work that way but ........it's a very comforting thought-as is the fact that we serve a gracious, merciful, and loving God who is always there!
Some of my favorite memories of this past year come from just watching the boys growing up, watching Luke expanding his equine business and the ways mom and dad blessed us by just being a very active part of our lives. Amazing Godly examples of husband and wife, parents, grandparents, along with the example Dad set as a businessman. Not just speaking but really living that way, allowing God to guide every decision and giving Him the glory even through the cancer!
Onto our baby girl, again I come back to the One In Heart.......she is in my heart and I long to have her in my arms. For awhile I was consumed of thoughts of her. Not a bad thing I might add. I love to pray for her and think of her, longing to hold her and to have her here where I can protect her and nurture her. God has and is continuing to work on my heart, His timing is perfect and she is His child. Whether here in our home or still in Ethiopia-she is HIS!! As are our boys! I am not always a fan of this lesson because I want to have them all, including the rest of my family in little bubbles where they can never be hurt (I typed this and then heard a crash and Cody crying...)-ok he is alright. God wants what is best for all of us and most importantly wants us to allow ourselves to be used to further His kingdom. After all-this is our temporary home!
This entry has jumped all over the place and I am sure there will be more like it but it is a starting point to our story!